This is the likely perspective you will see me being pissed off from
There have been a few reports knocking around this week about a US Kickstarter account set up by Carolina Alvo, trying to produce a perfectly proportioned petite dress with different hem lengths for women of different heights.
It's all based in the States so not immediately relevant to those of us over here but the page does a great job of setting out the annoyances of shopping for petite clothes.
It also includes a video which expertly illustrates how normal people can become dicks when faced with shorter people.
I blame my penchant for increasingly low cut tops at sixth form parties on the overwhelming teenage angst generated by being called "the cute one" in my formative years.
But rather than become a Tiny Angry Woman over all cheap jokes about height, I do want to make it clear that smart visual gags and witty asides are a-ok by me.
To avoid confusion, I've laid out some ground rules below.
Pick me up without my consent
Pick me up and put me outside the front of my house and shut the door so I have to ring the doorbell to get back in
Call me any of the following: Cute. Diddy. Munchkin. Dwarf. Hobbit. A Shetland pony.
Make this noise at me: Awwwwwwwwww!
Deliberately put things I need in high places
Imply that I do not deserve sympathy when I bang my head on things
Try to maintain a conversation with me while we walk up or down stairs
Get down on your knees or theatrically bend down to talk to me as you would a child
Expect me to carry more than two pint glasses at once
Rest your elbow on my head whilst standing in group - I am not a stability aide
Experiment to see what spaces I will fit into (caveat: I'm actually kind of claustrophobic in tight spaces so there will need to be an element of trust)
Put an impressive amount of effort into setting up complicated staged photos that mess with perspective
If I have sanctioned a height-related nickname, feel free to use it at your leisure
Offer to reach stuff for me if I am looking forlornly at treats on a shelf
Help to locate me when I'm lost in a crowd and scared
Tell me I'm a good height for hugs
Make me hold giant things because it looks funny.
Make me hold regular sized things because it also looks funny
Make me stand with really tall people
Keep straight-faced whilst I climb onto bar stools
At my workplace, they enjoy sending me on jobs where I will look especially small in the picture.
The news is mostly terrible so we make our fun where we can.
That's how I ended up with a miniature 3D model of myself. It's also how I ended up doing this on page 3 of the London Evening Standard last week:
Hands down, a great place to take a nap
My editors seemed happy with how the pictures turned out, apart from one dissenting voice: "To be honest, I thought you'd look smaller."
Must try harder.